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Saturday, January 30, 2021

Running "Me" like a business.

Not sure this is a new years resolution, or just a rant, but I'm increasingly curious about what it would look like if I began responding in kind to every obnoxious business practice that plagues us in modern times. A few examples: 

Let's start with the ubiquitous "Terms and Conditions." I think it's high time I develop some terms and conditions for anyone who would like my business. I would include provisions about per-minute charges for wasting my time on hold, and a mandatory inconvenience charge if I need to pursue a refund because the product is defective or unsatisfactory. 

Another annoying time waster is the retail companies who are constantly hitting you up to donate a little extra something-something every time you make a POS purchase. Time for me to set up my own non-profit organization, the "Helping My Kids Buy Stuff Foundation." When CVS asks me if I'd like to donate to whatever random fund, I will whip out my little envelope and brochure, and ask the manager, if I can count on CVS for a corporate donation to HMKBSF. A worthy cause! 

Shall we move to the lovely Multi Level Marketing companies? I love how these companies enlist the services of my friends and neighbors to use every sneaky approach to ply their wares. I'll be setting up a Paetron account so next time I get invited to "Sally's Super Purse Pals," I can quickly reply and invite Sally to join, "Maria's Pithy Insults Club." Sick burns for a small monthly fee OR custom ordered insults to fit any jerk or occasion. 

Anyway, that's my business plan for monetizing my life. More to come, I'm sure! 




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